In true Hollyoaks fashion, the slowly unravelling story of the McQueen family and their estranged brother Niall, is…still…slowly…un…ravelling.
With all the pace of an arthritic hippo, Niall, who is still sporting his black leather jacket and black hoodie combo, is continuing his quest to kidnap the McQueen sisters, all the while leaving a trail of pink post-it notes behind him. Depositing baby Max outside casa de las McQueens, Granny Myra finds him with a note replicating that of the note she left with nasty Niall when she abandoned him as a depressed fourteen year old school girl. Chilling? Or merely lazy? The menacing music points towards the former with all of the inherent subtlety of a Scouting For Girls lyric.
Gothic Lauren and erratic Newt plan to run away together when Newt betrays The Osbornes trust and announces that Jack is in fact alive they are all emigrating to Spain. In this typical example of the ‘Oaks tradition of keeping a secret, nasty Niall must be applauded for his unbelievable ability to protect his secret for so long.
Meanwhile, Tony, in Il Gnosh, reveals to bro Dom his plans to propose to Jacqui. Oh Tony. Oh poor, naive, caring Tony.
You’d think that after thirteen years of failed relationships with most of the female cast, unsuccessful businesses, four engagements, being jilted at the alter, catching an STD, physically abused by his ex-wife, losing a child, impregnating four women, and one truly tragic haircut, our loveable Tony would have learnt by now that things just don’t happen to go his way.
But true to ‘Tony-form,’ like a bruised and battered Ultimate Fighting Champion, after every knock he gets back up and readies himself for his next round in the ‘Oaks Fighting Cage.
In what must be the only abduction in history in which nobody swore, Niall abducts the final sister of the McQueen posse. But not without a fight. Tumbling into Tony and Jacqui’s flat, Niall throws Jacqui down on the sofa. Jacqui protests fiercely with the polite and clean mouth of a typical McQueen jailbird. Taking out his trusty camera-recorder (doesn’t everyone have one in their leather jackets nowadays?) he shows Jacqui pictures of her screaming sisters.
Like a dog eyeing up a succulent lamb chop this new piece of information leaves us salivating for more. At last we have heard a glimpse of the missing McQueen sisters. Without even seeing them, we are hungry for another bite. Where are they? Are they hurt? What will happen to them?
Lowering us down into the depths of Hollyoaks Hell, the writers have finally dipped us into the hot lava below. And boy, do we want to be submerged.
As a final tickle for our ‘Oaks tastebuds, we see Niall bundling Jacqui into his white van (why is it that nobody in the village, observant bunch that they are, has noticed a suspicious looking white van ‘hanging around’ and that Niall has changed his vehicle of choice from car to van? ). As Jacqui screams in protest, they are observed by, you’ve guessed it, Newt, the one guy in the ‘Oaks who happens to see things others don’t. Well, that’s convenient.
