Hollyoaks Later: NUMERO UNO

Monday 24th November 10.00pm

To know where to begin at the start of this delicious concoction of Hollyoaks drama is like trying to find a needle in a beautifully arranged haystack.

At first glance, there are 5 stories that we need to be concerned with…

Steph, Craig, Tom and the return of Raffers.

Nancy, Zoe and Sarah’s trip from school to deserted to wood to possible racing track.

Zak, Elliott and Mercedes’ quest to conquer Belfast.

The Dirty Diego’s mission to win Liverpool’s Battle of the Bands.

Malachy and Kris’ family and personal battles.

After finally recovering from the initial drama of Niall-gate, the ‘Oaks writers are attempting to increase our blood pressures once more with his hooded, rough and ragged return.

Steph, Craig and Tom make their merry way up to the remote hills in Scotland. Pink heart-shaped ear-muffs in tow.

Craig wants to take them away from everything and everyone.

That is the main ingredient in a recipe for disaster.

Niall Rafferty (played by Barry Sloane) is back and by the looks of him, badder and a lot dirtier than before.

We briefly saw him in Monday’s 6.30 episode. But a hooded Niall he was.

Breaking into Steph and Tom’s humble abode, Nasty Niall lowers his ‘head warmer’ and reveals the dark, unshaven, bruised and cut man he has become.

A far cry from the tailored, well-groomed nasty hairdresser we once knew.

And exactly what we want. Shivers run down our spines as we fearfully and helplessly watch him discover where his beloved Steph and little Tom have disappeared to.

No prizes for where Niall headed. The penultimate scene shows Niall atop a mountain , silhouetted by the Scotland sky, looking down on the cottage Steph, Craig and Tom are inhabiting.

Nancy’s mundane role of complaining, fighting, whinging and stomping out of rooms in her post-pubescent Emo/Goth style is finally pushed aside in an attempt to take control of her two cat-fighting companions.

That isn’t until she has calmly watched Zoe and Sarah tear each other apart in a cat fight watched by teenagers, children and millions around the country. Words were thrown. Slaps were girlishly flung.

Nancy’s finest moment of feminist triumph bestows her in a later scene.

Sarah commonderes a couple of young men in a van. Nancy, revolted by their response, grabs their car keys and throws them into a field, shouting

‘I may be short, but at least I’m going places… SO SUCK ON THIS’

Absolutely brilliant. That pent up unused teenage angst from Nancy’s schooldays has bubbled to the surface and exploded in a volcano of rage.

The saga of the Double M (Malachy and Mercedes) continues, with a little bit of brotherly cross-dressing thrown in for good measure.

Malachy and younger brother, Kris (Francis) are still in Northern Ireland, preparing for their drunken father’s funeral.

In a fit of sibling-bonding and the ultimate rebellion, Kris reveals to his mother that he is a cross-dresser. Kicked out by his mother, Kris (wearing a Kylie-esque outfit; see the white one-piece in the video for Can’t Get You Out of My Head ) accompanies a pining Malachy and their father (URN) to the local pub.

Meanwhile Mercedes has broken, desperately weeping in the toilets of the recently re-named Jolly Rodger (originally The Dog).

Deciding that she can no longer be alone, Mercedes dashes to Belfast. Missing her boat she stumbles upon Zak and Elliott who are attempting to get to Dublin with their token-fuelled £1 tickets.

Kind Elliott comforts a distraught Mercedes and assures her that Zak and himself will accompany her to Belfast.

A trio that is almost as weird as The Three Musketeers (Robin aka Dom, Justin and Ste) but a little easier on the eyes.

We will have to see where ‘Oaks leads us with this one.

The Dirty Diegos are back with a bang (and a baby and a half) as Josh receives the ‘good’ news that they are going to participate in the Battle of the Bands in Liverpool with The Saturdays.

The future predicts a road trip fuelled by a wannabe rock star, an ex-heroin addict, a depressed adolescent, a pregnant teenager and a toddler.

The scope for chaos is unprecedented.

What would Barnesy say?

To tie up loose ends would not do justice to the tasty delights and treats the ‘Oaks gang have ready to serve up for us this week.

In what must be the first late-night ‘Oaks with no sign of Batman (Tony), if this is only a pre-dinner appetiser, the HH is gagging for starters.

Batman leaves his Batmobile at home

Monday 24th November

It is difficult to know where to start with this episode.

In the typical ‘Oaks version of the calm before the storm (Hollyoaks Later is only 3 and 1/2 hours away from lift-off) do we first mention that our in-house Batman (Tony H) has gone off the rails or do we mention that our disappearing bad-boy Niall IS BACK?!

Batman has gone off the rails.

Leaving his batmobile (his moralistic conscience) our Batman (Tony Hutchinson) leaves a desperate and hopeful Jacqui cooking for him at the McQueens and parties-it-up Tony-stylee with Russ and Cindy at a school disco night at The Loft, with Russ.

Alas. Dear old, reliable Tony had a few options he could have taken here. If only the HH advisor was sitting on his shoulder. We’d have been happy to help and provide these alternatives:

a) go to the McQueens, chat and eat with Jacqui, make up and be merry.

b) go home to Hutchinson Manor and settle down to Newsnight with a bottle of Merlot

c) go home BY YOURSELF after getting totally trolleyed at The Loft

But Tony is on a mission. To forget the past year and the McQueen mess in which he had been involved.

And that mission involved a young girl by the name of Theresa.

To the trained Hollyoaks eye, trouble is sticking out like giraffe in a field of cows.

This young girl looks very young indeed.

But the view from Batman’s beer goggles is a little more hazy. Off to Hutchinson Manor they both go.

It’s a shame that after 13 years of living in Hollyoaks, Tony has not learnt that when you take someone back to your humble abode, the repercussions are enormous.

But we can’t wait for them!

Steph and Tom are back from their trip away (the ‘Oaks characters seem to have these ‘trips away’ but no-one really ever knows where they jet off to. Nancy is on her very own one right now…) and Cindy and Mandy (previously part of the Barbie-posse) aren’t too thrilled.

Neither is McQueen gang-leader, Myra. In a confrontational one-on-one toned down (it IS 6.30 after all) ‘conversation’ between Steph and the (Mc)Queen-bee, some very good points are made. (Someone has been watching their Kyle)

(M) ‘If you hadn’t left him, this wouldn’t have happened’

(S) ‘My conscience is clear’

(M) ‘The girlfriend always knows’

(S) ‘So does the mother’

Cutting, yet Steph cuts straight to the chase. The ‘Oaks has the amazing ability of teaching lessons that really hit home, whilst being incredibly entertaining.

Educational, yet fun.

And mentioning the ‘F’ word, the Nevilles have a whole load of fun in store for them on the opening night of The Jolly Roger.

Advertised in The Chester Herald, The Jolly Roger’s opening night is exposed as a gay pub. Neville and Suzanne are thrilled with the turnout. Rhys is not as pleased – he had hoped that the opening night would be a taster for a women-filled future. In his dreams. Hannah is the only one on the end of the flirting stick this evening.

Will The Jolly Roger end up being the first gay pub in the vill-age?

And as this episode of drunken fun and female confrontations draws to a close, we have our first glimpse of what is to come in Hollyoaks Later…

Nasty Niall is back and hooded…