The Land of Nothing

Tuesday 28th October

For a small village where so much can happen in such a short space of time, it is really remarkable that Hollyoaks feels the urge to resort back to the simple goings on of everyday life.

If we wanted to watch two people observing life in a mundane and boring way we could have gone to the pub.

No! We want escapism. We want drama. We want to be reminded that our lives are not as bad as we think.

We want to be thankful that our siblings aren’t trying to blow us up; that we’re not in so much debt that we have to fake our own deaths; that our partners aren’t having a baby with our sibling; that we haven’t got a raging heroin addiction; or that our fiancee isn’t caught up in a love affair with their brother.

A night round at Dom’s learning about French history would make for a better evening than what Hollyoaks has served up for us tonight.

Watching Ravi (is he straight? is he gay? is he bisexual? does he even know? can he stand up without having his hands in his pockets?) break up with Nancy in the Dog does not catapult me to the edge of my seat in excitement.

Observing Leila and Justin embracing the medium of multimedia art does not have me spitting my tea out in shock, horror and surprise.

And seeing another painful Elliot-esque flirtation attempt (this time with Hannah) hardly has me dying to watch the next episode on E4.

Considering the amount that was packed in over the past few weeks, are the writers now on holiday?

Are they truly exhausted from Niall’s antics?

Are they bored?

Come on ‘Oaks. Sort it out.

Inject some Spice into our lives.

I want to be on the edge of my sofa in anticipation. Not swallowed up in the cushions in sheer boredom.

Hollyoaks Counselling

Monday 27th October

Without any ‘Oaks guidance or support, as a personal victim (watching from the comfort of my leather sofa I do feel particularly grieved) of Niall’s evil yet slightly unsuccessful plot to destroy the McQueen clan, we are left feeling bitter and resentful that we have not been nursed back to full Hollyoaks health.

Expected to deal with the aftermath on our own time and still expected to fairly give our full attention to our other ‘Oaks friends, we try to indulge in new and continuing story lines whilst soothing our Niall-welts.

With the McQueen clan nowhere to be seen our focus must turn to the blossoming relationships of the rest of the ‘Oaks family.

Hollyoaks, resolutely moralistic, demonstrates that if you are going to cheat, you are going to get caught.

Fact.

Warren has cheated on alchy-Louise with ex-model-Mandy. And Ravi has seen. Mandy finishes her Warren-affair.

Lesson taught. Lesson learnt.

A relationship is certainly blossoming between Ravi and Russ.

It’s certainly a Hollyoaks recipe for a juicy smoothie: two men, beers, a MDF-DIY DJ booth to build and almost manly chats.

However, the end concoction was totally unexpected. Totally out of this world. Totally brilliant.

Ravi hurts his shoulder. Russ massages it. Ravi goes in for a passionate kiss. Russ recoils.

Hollyoaks GOLD.

Our bruises have healed.

Our counselling sessions completed.

We’re ready to board the next Hollyoaks rollercoaster of emotions.