Batman and Robin in High Definition

Monday 10th November

It has not come soon enough. With the hysteria of Niall’s kidnappings and evaluating the resulting lack of true Hollyoaks drama, The Hollyoaks Herald has failed to acknowledge the transition of the ‘Oaks from old-fashioned telly to HIGH DEFINITION.

Well, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise – if crazed football fanatics can watch a clearer picture of 11 sweaty men kick a round piece of leather around for 90 minutes then why shouldn’t a dedicated and level-headed Hollyoaks groupie have the opportunity to view their team in the same way?

And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter whether the member of the extended ‘Oaks family has the capacity to watch Hollyoaks in HD or not.

It is the principle.

It is recognised that we, as a cult following, as a majority group, need to view Tony’s haircut, Mercedes’ short skirt and Neville’s new business venture in as clear a picture as possible…

‘Oaks life moves on – in higher definition.

Loyal Tony can’t take the lies and secrets anymore.

Well Sir Tones (if there was an ‘Oaks Queen, she’d definitely award Tony H an OBE for his Excellent Contribution to ‘Oaks Plots and Village Gossip) perhaps you should have thought of that when you impregnated your girlfriend’s (kind-of-ex-break-situation-at-the-time) sister.

And it looks like your little brother may be about to follow in the family footsteps.

Didn’t Dom learn not to share lovers with his brother? Look at the mess created when Dom started sleeping around with Mandy (she loves a good affair, that one).

Dom invites Mercedes to stay at Batman and Robin’s pad. Classic move.

Dom and Mercedes – getting jiggy over a bowl of Carbonara. Not the usual ‘Oaks rendez-vous, but Dom isn’t a typical ‘Oaks man.

The McQueen Cake of Destruction

Tuesday 21st October 2008

Life is back to normal in the village. Sort of. Our faithful other characters re-introduced. We had almost forgotten the plight of pregnant Amy and her abusive boyfriend, Ste; of Russ, the father of deceased Tina’s son; of Nancy and Ravi, the infuriating is-it-is-it-not couple; of the cheating lying murderer Warren, his alcoholic girlfriend and his mistress; and of Justin, the murderer’s accomplice.

Did they too do a deal with the ‘Oaks devil and trade in their life commitments for a week of exhilarating non-stop drama?

Resurrected from the literal Hollyoaks rubble (not the church rubble) here comes Justin and Ste. In the usual scatty ‘Oaks manner of building up a story, delivering the goods and then throwing an ordinary (nearly. compared to Niall) plot back into the mixture.

This must be a taster of events to come. Life, as it often does, goes back to normal.

Disappointment fills me.

Thankfully the ‘Oaks does swing back to clearing up the wreckage of the previous week.

Darren, clearly unhappy that his father previously put in a bid for a quote of the week, attempts to match it.

Delivering his ‘Everyone’s got a choice. You don’t chose to be mental… that’s a crap example, sorry’ line to Newt in attempting to persuade him to forgive Frankie for sending him off to the madhouse, Darren has almost pushed his father off the top position.

Almost.

What a way to convince someone to do what you want. Remind them of the illness that is ruining their relationships. That is clearly what the ‘Oaks ‘persuasion for dummies’ prescribes.

Clearly shocked by his self-proclaimed road to hell, Darren does another good deed. He confesses to Malachy and Kris that the man who they buried as Jack Osborne is their own father.

Is telling two brothers that you buried a man disguised as your own father but who was actually their father, a good deed? In ‘Oaksland, I believe so.

The McQueens are still fighting over babies and boyfriends, mothers and morals. Not satisfied that their half brother has done enough to destroy their family, they are finishing it off for him.

Putting the icing on the McQueen cake of destruction.

Hopefully Niall will be the final cherry as it is revealed to the clever clogs posse that Niall is still alive.

Well. Who would have guessed it?

Pigeons in a Derelict Church

Talk about SLOWLY bring water to the boil then letting it bubble over! Ten months of calculated disruption, over four episodes of chance abductions and then all of a sudden it climaxes in half an hour?

Like a lion stalking his prey, picking out the gazelles one by one, Niall has collected the McQueen gang and lined them up for his one-man pack to ravish.

Revealing to Myra and her girls that he IS the abandoned son (who would have guessed it?) of Myra McQueen, he goes on and on about his struggle through life, how he never had a role model, never knew where he came from, never had stable familial relationships etc etc.

Come on Niall. Think about where you are. You’ve entered into the world of ‘Oaks, where tragedy is unforgivingly indiscriminate: there is no point in having a character in Hollyoaks unless you are going to tear them apart bit by bit, increasing audience numbers in the process.

Yet, others don’t think it is acceptable to tie up five vulnerable women in a derelict church and threaten to blow them to pieces.

Creating the soap version of Sophie’s Choice, Myra has to chose which children to live and which children to die. In answering six questions correctly or incorrectly Myra literally holds her children’s lives in her hands. Wonderfully compelling viewing. We applaud you Hollyoaks writers. It took a long time coming, but we stuck with you and we have been rewarded. However, you could have dragged this out a bit more.

Myra answers two questions correctly and four incorrectly. Shocking. If only I was being interrogated instead of Myra, I could have answered at least four. So two of Jacqui, Mercedes, Carmel, Tina and Michaela will live and four of them will die.

Hold on a cotton picking minute. There are only five children there. For six life-changing places.

Yes, you’ve guessed it, our crying distraught ladies took a bit longer. Niall has managed to hop over the Irish Sea to Dublin, capture McQueen brother John Paul, smuggle him through passport control, get him on a plane or ferry and bring him struggling and protesting to a derelict church in Cheshire. The mind boggles, it really does.

And where was Craig Dean when the love of his life disappeared? Why did he not contact Myra asking her if she had heard from him?

So Myra makes her choice. Although not until Mercedes and John Paul have offered themselves up, martyrs that they are. Great. Two down, two more to choose.

Jacqui and Carmel you’re up. Unfortunately neither of you have a child and neither of you happened to be the baby of the family. Life’s tough.

Meanwhile, dead Jack is actually alive and almost well. Against the wishes of a pushy Darren he races to the McQueen villa and bumps into the Hutchinson duo. Questions come bubbling to the surface. What? When? How? Why?

Oh bloody hell Tony, never mind that, your missus is about to face her death and you want to engage in a confrontational conversation with a ‘dead’ ex-copper. Priorities man!

Tony and Dom race to the church with a Die Hard-James Bond-Batman and Robin style gait. Battered Jack and Darren (failing to call the police, self-confessed going to hell) are also on the case.

Lying father and gambling son burst into the church ‘it’s over Niall’.

Jack is also a contender for quote of the week. Did he think that spouting that line would convince Niall to change his mind? That he would reply ‘Jack, you are right. Now that you, an OAP landlord with a dodgy heart has burst through the door with your Chav son, it really is over. I have met my match. Take me away’.

Oh come on! Nasty Niall panics and presses his detonator. The church explodes. Bodies fly. Dum dum dum.

Pigeons flee from a broken church window.

There must be more to come.

The ‘Oaks File Cabinet

In the agonising third episode of the Niall and McQueen plot, which we hope will eventually meander into a full-blown full-scale confrontational big bang, the admin staff of the ‘Oaks are out in full force.

Allowing us only a tiny glimpse of the chaos to come, it is time for us to sit back and relax, and collect all the relevant information so we can watch the ‘coming soon (supposedly)’ dramatic climax with all the necessary background details.

No! This is not what we want. We have been patiently, oh so patiently, waiting for Niall to break and cause havoc amongst the village. Yet for another tantalising episode of the ‘Oaks, we have to helplessly watch the story unfold whilst our poor McQueen ladies are goodness knows where, probably without water, food, warmth etc. Carmel’s beautifully manicured nails must be a state.

But, apparently there are a few issues that need to be cleared up.

As the Hollyoaks file cabinet is pulled open further, Myra tells Tony that she upset Jacqui by revealing her teenage secret. They race to the flat only to find another pink post-it (Niall’s feminine side is truly being explored here). Putting two and two together, bright spark that she is, Myra explains Tina’s note to Tony and convinces Tony to head to Niall and Kieron’s flat to find out more about her abandoned son.

Discovering that Niall is not at home (he’s out terrorising your daughters Myra, and your lady friend, Tony), Myra orders Tony to break down the door. Myra really excels herself here, delivering a line with such conviction that we almost ignore what she is actually saying.

‘What’s the cost of a door compared to Jacqui?’

Yes, you are right Myra. What IS the cost of a door compared to your first born daughter? Is this as thrilling as this episode is going to get?

Meanwhile, nasty Niall, loaded with the information provided by Lauren that Jack is in fact alive heads to The Dog. Niall makes his way up to the flat.

Niall puts his hood up. Could this episode get exciting at last?

We’ve caught on. Hood up = Niall means business.

Following Jack upstairs Niall reveals that Jack was the cop who caught Niall’s father and was involved in getting him convicted for some crime. Niall’s father died in prison. And therefore according to Niall, Jack is culpable for Niall’s lack of family. Niall beats Jack over the head with an iron bar he found casually lying on the floor in Jack’s attic. How handy.

Why does Jack have a part to play in everyone’s story? When Dawn revealed to Jambo that she had a child when she was a teenager. Who was the father? Jack Osborne. Who took the Patricks in after falling for the barmaid Jill? Jack Osborne. Who had an affair with Izzy Cornwell’s mother? Jack Osborne. Who the took in the Deans after their eviction? Jack Osborne.

There is rarely a storyline in which Jack is not involved. Even if it is just his pub where the drama happens. Maybe if he spent less time meddling in other people’s affairs and more time being a good father to son Darren, he wouldn’t be in this sticky mess.

Meanwhile, Newt recalls the incident between Jacqui and Niall to Lauren. Sure that Newt is relapsing into one of his schizophrenic episodes she pretends that she is convinced by his story and calls the police. An ambulance arrives in the village to take Newt to hospital. In desperation Newt begs Frankie, his foster mother, to tell the paramedics that he is not lying. Frankie refuses.

Just another exasperating scene for us to helplessly view from the comfort of our living rooms. In not believing her best friend (boyfriend? lover? someone to practice kissing with? we’re never quite sure) Lauren has unknowingly pushed the McQueen posse into the arms of their crazy brother Niall.

But, for Myra, she didn’t need Lauren’s help. Receiving a text asking her to go to the church where she left Niall when she was fourteen, Myra willingly complies.

Er… back up? BACK UP? I found myself shouting at the screen. She already had her suspicions that something fishy was going down. Why would she go along to a derelict chruch which has suddenly been resurrected from her past without BACK UP?

I wanted reliable Tony and his brother Dom to be hiding behind a tree somewhere. The ‘Oaks very own version of Batman and Robin.

But, no, it’s just Myra. And who does she find? Niall. Surprise Surprise.

‘Hello Mother’

I think we have reached the climax.

It’s a waiting game…

In true Hollyoaks fashion, the slowly unravelling story of the McQueen family and their estranged brother Niall, is…still…slowly…un…ravelling.

With all the pace of an arthritic hippo, Niall, who is still sporting his black leather jacket and black hoodie combo, is continuing his quest to kidnap the McQueen sisters, all the while leaving a trail of pink post-it notes behind him. Depositing baby Max outside casa de las McQueens, Granny Myra finds him with a note replicating that of the note she left with nasty Niall when she abandoned him as a depressed fourteen year old school girl. Chilling? Or merely lazy? The menacing music points towards the former with all of the inherent subtlety of a Scouting For Girls lyric.

Gothic Lauren and erratic Newt plan to run away together when Newt betrays The Osbornes trust and announces that Jack is in fact alive they are all emigrating to Spain. In this typical example of the ‘Oaks tradition of keeping a secret, nasty Niall must be applauded for his unbelievable ability to protect his secret for so long.

Meanwhile, Tony, in Il Gnosh, reveals to bro Dom his plans to propose to Jacqui. Oh Tony. Oh poor, naive, caring Tony.

You’d think that after thirteen years of failed relationships with most of the female cast, unsuccessful businesses, four engagements, being jilted at the alter, catching an STD, physically abused by his ex-wife, losing a child, impregnating four women, and one truly tragic haircut, our loveable Tony would have learnt by now that things just don’t happen to go his way.

But true to ‘Tony-form,’ like a bruised and battered Ultimate Fighting Champion, after every knock he gets back up and readies himself for his next round in the ‘Oaks Fighting Cage.

In what must be the only abduction in history in which nobody swore, Niall abducts the final sister of the McQueen posse. But not without a fight. Tumbling into Tony and Jacqui’s flat, Niall throws Jacqui down on the sofa. Jacqui protests fiercely with the polite and clean mouth of a typical McQueen jailbird. Taking out his trusty camera-recorder (doesn’t everyone have one in their leather jackets nowadays?) he shows Jacqui pictures of her screaming sisters.

Like a dog eyeing up a succulent lamb chop this new piece of information leaves us salivating for more. At last we have heard a glimpse of the missing McQueen sisters. Without even seeing them, we are hungry for another bite. Where are they? Are they hurt? What will happen to them?

Lowering us down into the depths of Hollyoaks Hell, the writers have finally dipped us into the hot lava below. And boy, do we want to be submerged.

As a final tickle for our ‘Oaks tastebuds, we see Niall bundling Jacqui into his white van (why is it that nobody in the village, observant bunch that they are, has noticed a suspicious looking white van ‘hanging around’ and that Niall has changed his vehicle of choice from car to van? ). As Jacqui screams in protest, they are observed by, you’ve guessed it, Newt, the one guy in the ‘Oaks who happens to see things others don’t. Well, that’s convenient.

Get a bloody move on Niall

After months of frustrated pantomine-esque shoutings of ‘he’s behind you’ and ‘no he’s evil’ at my verbally abused TV screen, Niall Rafferty has finally taken the plunge and is abducting the McQueen ladies like they’re going out of fashion (seemingly fitting, judging by their couture).

On the birthday of Jacqui Malota, the now usurped second eldest child of Myra McQueen, Niall puts his long drawn out plan into action. With the failed kidnapping attempts of the birthday girl, Niall (played by Barry Sloane, check his dedicated fanbase) eventually captures indecisive mum Tina, using the somewhat lazy line of ‘it’s not as bad as it looks… it’ worse’.

Come on Niall, after months of evil eyes and smokey expressions, you could have given us a bit more juice. Pushing Tina McQueen down a flight of stairs, rendering her infertile, then finally abducting her by throwing us that lethargic line seems less than our committed viewing deserves.

However, Niall must be forgiven, in the hope that what is to come will rival those bad boys of Hollyoaks yore, leaving Toby and Sam as a speck in the rear view mirror of Niall’s white van.

Fingers crossed Niall, (or should we now call him Matthew?) will rise to the challenge of pushing evil Rob off the ultimate Hollyoaks throne as the King of Non-Sweary Crime. Although, can anything compete with throwing four adults into a disused watertank?

Let’s not forget the rest of the gang. The Osbornes are about to jetset into the sun, with fraudulent Jack leaving behind Hollyoaks’ only ‘decent’ watering hole and his gambling son, Darren. Nancy, still desperate to cling on to part of her deceased sister, Becca, insists she will accompany them and her nephew Charlie, to the Costa del Crime. Newt, who appears to be the Schizophrenic glue that is sticking this family of mishaps together, talks her out of it.

Niall is on the rampage, the McQueens are going awol, the Osbornes are jetting off to sunny Spain, and constant Tony is, well, a constant. To paraphrase Niall, ‘it’s not as good as it looks… it’s better’.