Ken and his Barbies

Tuesday 11th November 2008

It was all about Warren, Louise, Mandy and Cindy tonight. Warren playing our very own Hollyoaks Ken, it seems the three ladies in question are all vying for the top position of Queen Barbie.

How can three intelligent and successful (I’m sure Cindy’s time will come) women be fighting over who is and who is not sleeping with the murdering drug-dealing cheat that is Warren Fox?

Fox, ignoring previous cat fights between Louise and Cindy, only breaks the two apart when Cindy takes her flashing white dentures to Louise’s Topshop-clad arm.

How are we watching school ground behaviour on a programme that is topping the Soap charts? Women degenerating into animals over a man.

And whilst it can be argued that it is over principle – Cindy is the innocent party (accused of having an affair with Warren and stalking Louise) – cowering behind that principle is a man.

So much for girl power.

How does this love-quartet actually function?

Louise is an alcoholic engaged to a the man who murdered her first husband (Sean). Mandy is the woman that man is having an affair with. Cindy has been mistakenly accused of having an affair with the man and is now on a mission to clear her name.

Warren Fox is the man.

To make matters even more complicated (‘Oaks does like to mix it up) Louise has asked Mandy to be her Maid-of-Honour at her wedding. Apparently Mandy is Louise’s best friend.

Whoa! Come on Louise. You can’t go around brandishing the phrase ‘best friend’ willy nilly.

Hollyoaks best friends carries a great deal of weight for us ‘Oaks enthusiasts.

Max and OB ring any bells?

John Paul and Craig? Hannah and Sarah? Toby and Dan? Carol and Lucy? Finn and Lewis?

So much history between ‘best friends’ on the ‘Oaks. Louise – you have nothing with Mandy… apart from the lust of one man.

And let’s not forget poor Carmel in all of this. Carmel who stuck by Louise when she was falsely accused of murdering her hubby Sean. Carmel who has provided friendship and advice. Carmel who has diligently and patiently painted nails and provided massages in Louise’s Evissa.

Carmel has not even been graced with the position of flower girl.

So Mandy expresses her dismay at Louise’s proposal to Warren. Ken cuts off his ties with Barbie no 1. It’s over.

Cindy (Barbie no 2) hears this conversation. She’s got the lowdown and is in the clear.

What about Barbie no 3?

Louise – Wake up and smell the coffee love.

Pigeons in a Derelict Church

Talk about SLOWLY bring water to the boil then letting it bubble over! Ten months of calculated disruption, over four episodes of chance abductions and then all of a sudden it climaxes in half an hour?

Like a lion stalking his prey, picking out the gazelles one by one, Niall has collected the McQueen gang and lined them up for his one-man pack to ravish.

Revealing to Myra and her girls that he IS the abandoned son (who would have guessed it?) of Myra McQueen, he goes on and on about his struggle through life, how he never had a role model, never knew where he came from, never had stable familial relationships etc etc.

Come on Niall. Think about where you are. You’ve entered into the world of ‘Oaks, where tragedy is unforgivingly indiscriminate: there is no point in having a character in Hollyoaks unless you are going to tear them apart bit by bit, increasing audience numbers in the process.

Yet, others don’t think it is acceptable to tie up five vulnerable women in a derelict church and threaten to blow them to pieces.

Creating the soap version of Sophie’s Choice, Myra has to chose which children to live and which children to die. In answering six questions correctly or incorrectly Myra literally holds her children’s lives in her hands. Wonderfully compelling viewing. We applaud you Hollyoaks writers. It took a long time coming, but we stuck with you and we have been rewarded. However, you could have dragged this out a bit more.

Myra answers two questions correctly and four incorrectly. Shocking. If only I was being interrogated instead of Myra, I could have answered at least four. So two of Jacqui, Mercedes, Carmel, Tina and Michaela will live and four of them will die.

Hold on a cotton picking minute. There are only five children there. For six life-changing places.

Yes, you’ve guessed it, our crying distraught ladies took a bit longer. Niall has managed to hop over the Irish Sea to Dublin, capture McQueen brother John Paul, smuggle him through passport control, get him on a plane or ferry and bring him struggling and protesting to a derelict church in Cheshire. The mind boggles, it really does.

And where was Craig Dean when the love of his life disappeared? Why did he not contact Myra asking her if she had heard from him?

So Myra makes her choice. Although not until Mercedes and John Paul have offered themselves up, martyrs that they are. Great. Two down, two more to choose.

Jacqui and Carmel you’re up. Unfortunately neither of you have a child and neither of you happened to be the baby of the family. Life’s tough.

Meanwhile, dead Jack is actually alive and almost well. Against the wishes of a pushy Darren he races to the McQueen villa and bumps into the Hutchinson duo. Questions come bubbling to the surface. What? When? How? Why?

Oh bloody hell Tony, never mind that, your missus is about to face her death and you want to engage in a confrontational conversation with a ‘dead’ ex-copper. Priorities man!

Tony and Dom race to the church with a Die Hard-James Bond-Batman and Robin style gait. Battered Jack and Darren (failing to call the police, self-confessed going to hell) are also on the case.

Lying father and gambling son burst into the church ‘it’s over Niall’.

Jack is also a contender for quote of the week. Did he think that spouting that line would convince Niall to change his mind? That he would reply ‘Jack, you are right. Now that you, an OAP landlord with a dodgy heart has burst through the door with your Chav son, it really is over. I have met my match. Take me away’.

Oh come on! Nasty Niall panics and presses his detonator. The church explodes. Bodies fly. Dum dum dum.

Pigeons flee from a broken church window.

There must be more to come.