Chavtastic or Hitting the Nail on the Head?

It is often difficult to tell whether Hollyoaks Jacqui McQueen’s fashion sense is totally chavtastic or whether she has hit the nail on the head with the current fashion trends.

The beginning of tonight’s E4 episode (7.00pm, to be shown at 6.30pm tomorrow on Channel 4) demonstrated the latter for our dear Jacqs.

She has certainly been following the latest high-street brands and has adopted an off-the-shoulder tee with the face of a tiger on the front.

Want to deny your natural instinct and copy fierce Jacqui’s style? You can get a black t-shirt with gold tiger face from Topshop, just click here.

The Aftermath

Friday 17th October

So, Niall captured the Mcqueen gang, he got caught, he blew them up. Voila.

You surely didn’t think that is all you were going to get?

Well, to start with, someone’s got to die. It wouldn’t be a Hollyoaks drama if someone didn’t. Plus your intrepid correspondent saw a spolier a few months ago and has been waiting for this moment with bated breath.

Let’s whittle through the options.

No point in killing off Michaela or Carmel – what sort of storyline would the death of a annoying teenager (the ‘Oaks wouldn’t be that kind to us) or a big-boobed beautician?

Mercedes isn’t going to go – she might have HIV and has slept with Jacqui’s man. The scope for mid-village rows is enormous.

Jacqui is a vital shouting, hair-grabbing requirement for these scenes.

John Paul – well, he’s obviously going to jet set back off to Dublin so that’s no drama.

Myra – she has to clean up the mess she has made. It would be a cop out if she disappeared.

So, who’s left? Tina.

Tina got pregnant in a one night stand with a man who was not her husband. Then pretended the baby belonged to her husbands brother, promising it to her husband’s brothers girlfriend, who also happens to be her sister. She was pushed down the stairs by her crazy brother. She had to have a hysterectomy and after this decided to take the baby back from her sister who is also her husbands brothers girlfriend. She made a failed attempt to make a go of it with her child’s biological father and then her mother chose her to live out of all her siblings.

I think Tina’s been through enough. Kill her off. She wouldn’t be able to take any more. She isn’t as strong as Tony.

Plus, the scope for a story after this would be unimaginable. The fight over baby Max would take the forefront of any other McQueen barney. Russ (the baby’s biological father), Jacqui (who the baby was promised to), Dom (Tina’s husband), Myra (the baby’s grandmother) Tony (Jacqui’s mug) will all be fighting over custody of poor defenceless Max.

If this is the case, I say draw straws.

So there is the usual search of bodies under rubble, names are being called, floors fall in, Jacqui leaves her mother stuck under a slab of mortar, as Tina is younger and needs more help. Survival of the fittest? Or getting your own back?

Chaos ensues. Niall and Myra indulge in a mother-son bonding moment. Myra won’t have John Paul and Niall fighting each other. She has robbed us of a full on fist fight in a collapsing derelict church. That would have got us quivering with excitement. Alas. It was not to be.

Eventually they are all out safely. Apart from Tina McQueen. Poor Tina. Adultress dying in her betrayed husband’s arms. Told you so.

As the ambulance doors close on Tina’s bagged body, we see Niall’s reflection in the dark glass of the ambulance doors.

Whoa!

We had assumed Niall had died. Are all ‘Oaks bad boys and girls blessed with all the luck of an Irish Leprachaun?

Niall is still alive. Jack’s secret is out. Dom is a widow. Baby Max is an orphan. The McQueens are bereaved. Mercedes still might have HIV. Tony is in the dog house with Jacqui. Poor vindicated Newt is in hospital. Darren’s convinced he is going to hell.

Hollyoaks is just bloody BRILLIANT.

The ‘Oaks File Cabinet

In the agonising third episode of the Niall and McQueen plot, which we hope will eventually meander into a full-blown full-scale confrontational big bang, the admin staff of the ‘Oaks are out in full force.

Allowing us only a tiny glimpse of the chaos to come, it is time for us to sit back and relax, and collect all the relevant information so we can watch the ‘coming soon (supposedly)’ dramatic climax with all the necessary background details.

No! This is not what we want. We have been patiently, oh so patiently, waiting for Niall to break and cause havoc amongst the village. Yet for another tantalising episode of the ‘Oaks, we have to helplessly watch the story unfold whilst our poor McQueen ladies are goodness knows where, probably without water, food, warmth etc. Carmel’s beautifully manicured nails must be a state.

But, apparently there are a few issues that need to be cleared up.

As the Hollyoaks file cabinet is pulled open further, Myra tells Tony that she upset Jacqui by revealing her teenage secret. They race to the flat only to find another pink post-it (Niall’s feminine side is truly being explored here). Putting two and two together, bright spark that she is, Myra explains Tina’s note to Tony and convinces Tony to head to Niall and Kieron’s flat to find out more about her abandoned son.

Discovering that Niall is not at home (he’s out terrorising your daughters Myra, and your lady friend, Tony), Myra orders Tony to break down the door. Myra really excels herself here, delivering a line with such conviction that we almost ignore what she is actually saying.

‘What’s the cost of a door compared to Jacqui?’

Yes, you are right Myra. What IS the cost of a door compared to your first born daughter? Is this as thrilling as this episode is going to get?

Meanwhile, nasty Niall, loaded with the information provided by Lauren that Jack is in fact alive heads to The Dog. Niall makes his way up to the flat.

Niall puts his hood up. Could this episode get exciting at last?

We’ve caught on. Hood up = Niall means business.

Following Jack upstairs Niall reveals that Jack was the cop who caught Niall’s father and was involved in getting him convicted for some crime. Niall’s father died in prison. And therefore according to Niall, Jack is culpable for Niall’s lack of family. Niall beats Jack over the head with an iron bar he found casually lying on the floor in Jack’s attic. How handy.

Why does Jack have a part to play in everyone’s story? When Dawn revealed to Jambo that she had a child when she was a teenager. Who was the father? Jack Osborne. Who took the Patricks in after falling for the barmaid Jill? Jack Osborne. Who had an affair with Izzy Cornwell’s mother? Jack Osborne. Who the took in the Deans after their eviction? Jack Osborne.

There is rarely a storyline in which Jack is not involved. Even if it is just his pub where the drama happens. Maybe if he spent less time meddling in other people’s affairs and more time being a good father to son Darren, he wouldn’t be in this sticky mess.

Meanwhile, Newt recalls the incident between Jacqui and Niall to Lauren. Sure that Newt is relapsing into one of his schizophrenic episodes she pretends that she is convinced by his story and calls the police. An ambulance arrives in the village to take Newt to hospital. In desperation Newt begs Frankie, his foster mother, to tell the paramedics that he is not lying. Frankie refuses.

Just another exasperating scene for us to helplessly view from the comfort of our living rooms. In not believing her best friend (boyfriend? lover? someone to practice kissing with? we’re never quite sure) Lauren has unknowingly pushed the McQueen posse into the arms of their crazy brother Niall.

But, for Myra, she didn’t need Lauren’s help. Receiving a text asking her to go to the church where she left Niall when she was fourteen, Myra willingly complies.

Er… back up? BACK UP? I found myself shouting at the screen. She already had her suspicions that something fishy was going down. Why would she go along to a derelict chruch which has suddenly been resurrected from her past without BACK UP?

I wanted reliable Tony and his brother Dom to be hiding behind a tree somewhere. The ‘Oaks very own version of Batman and Robin.

But, no, it’s just Myra. And who does she find? Niall. Surprise Surprise.

‘Hello Mother’

I think we have reached the climax.