Calvin: me me me

Tuesday 18th November 2008

Hollyoaks has the irritating characteristic of building up stories through adverts then letting them go wild like a pack of lions, on our television screens. Meanwhile, during the build-up prior to the release, the ‘Oaks has a tendency to stalk around issues, never quite getting to the ‘Oaks-point.

Whilst undoubtedly this is necessary in order portray some sense of normality (yeah right, who are they kidding?) in the village, it does mean that we have to sit through the everyday formulaic relationships between Russ and Nancy, Ste and Justin,

But it is clever. The erratic nature of storylines emerging from absolutely nowhere ensures that Hollyoaks is always scheduled in our daily lives.

Perhaps there is a glimmer of hope shining through… every cloud…

Calvin tells Warren that he is going to confess to Carmel that he killed his little sister’s (Sasha) drug dealer, Nige.

Oh what a tangled web he weaves.

Warren, who always tries to the decent and honourable thing, talks him out of it, convincing him that Calvin that he has a good job, a good family, a lovely wife, and a good life. And that confessing to Carmel could throw all that down the drain.

Well. Strictly speaking, that perfect picture of Calvin Valentine happiness is a little shaky around the edges. And that has nothing to do with the self-defence he displayed towards Nige.

Job-wise: Calvin is hardly ever actually at work and his colleague is attempting to cop (geddit?) off with his wife.

Good Family: Calvin’s sister was as drug addict, Calvin’s brother has disappeared, Calvin’s father is a recovering gambler, Calvin’s step-mother ran away, Calvin’s half-sister is a troublemaking, desperate-for-sex Goth and Calvin’s half-brother has joined his brother in the Holloaks version of Room 101.

Hardly the Swiss Family Robinson.

Good Wife: Well yes that is definitely true. But in the last episode Calvin threw that into the bin like a discarded sweet-wrapper.

Good Life: See above.

So tell away Calvin, things can’t get very much worse.

Oh but they may do… Calvin spots sleezy womaniser Mark trying to kiss sweet Carmel. Running away in anger, Calvin fails to see Carmel pushing Mark away in disgust.

If only these ‘Oaks men would just stop and pause for a minute, we wouldn’t be confronted with these situations.

And for those keen Hollyoaks Fashionistas, if you are dying to know where Hannah’s amazing gladiator-style high-heeled sandals are from (she steps out of the taxi – body shot from the feet up) New Look. They are also featured in Look magazine. Go get ‘em girls.

Frustration Station

Monday 17th November 2008

In an episode which has reached the frustration levels similar to that of not being able to reach an itch on one’s back, Hollyoaks has managed to serve up

‘All-about-me’ Calvin accuses sweet innocent Carmel of cheating.

Michaela turns to alcohol to ease her troubles whilst her dead sister’s husband (Dom) is befriended by an accessory-to-murder (Justin) and an abusive partner (Ste).

And gothic Lauren turns on the teenage charm that would have any parent with a child verging on ‘young adulthood’ breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of their child turning into the increasingly gobby Lauren Valentine.

Calvin, finding a packet of condoms in his wife’s bag (they belong to his younger sister), jumps to the typical ‘Oaks conclusion that she is cheating on him.

If Calvin was married to Mercedes or Mandy he could be forgiven for this outrageous and slightly unfounded comment.

But he is married to the innocent Carmel McQueen. The one woman in the ‘Oaks who has the ability to support her family through a great deal of thick and thin; who constantly attempts to ‘do the right thing’; and one of the only women in the ‘Oaks who would never dream of cheating on her man.

Turning down the advances of newcomer Mark (he just swans into the ‘Oaks, sleeping with our women willy-nilly! Damaging relationships. Just who does he think he is?) Carmel demonstrates her dedication to her marriage with Calvin, only to be received with the comforting words ‘it feels like I don’t even know you’.

Risking cracking the television screen with off-the-radar noise levels, shouting at the set only makes the viewing of the scene that little bit less frustrating.

Tanned Barnesy (overdoing the sun-bed of late) finds a drunk and desolate Michaela in the arms of unknown man.

Scaring him off with the threat of Barnes-style violence, Mike and Michaela find themselves locked in a DMC (deep and meaningful conversation) at the ‘Oaks bus stop (there for effect, buses are never seen in the ‘Oaks, only black cabs).

It is bewildering and almost unheard-of that they do not engage on a sneaky Hollyoaks smooch.

Newt and Lauren are still causing unnecessary teenage havoc.

In between finding, using and losing other peoples’ credit cards and attempting to lose their virginity, it is a wonder that they can keep up their high maintenance appearance.

Robin (Dom) has escaped from his place next to Batman (Tony) and has become a Musketeer… with Ste and Justin. Unlikely trio, but every superhero has to move on at some point…

If you want to stop at Frustration Station, get on the train to Hollyoaks.