The beginning of tonight’s E4 episode (7.00pm, to be shown at 6.30pm tomorrow on Channel 4) demonstrated the latter for our dear Jacqs.

She has certainly been following the latest high-street brands and has adopted an off-the-shoulder tee with the face of a tiger on the front.

Want to deny your natural instinct and copy fierce Jacqui’s style? You can get a black t-shirt with gold tiger face from Topshop, just click here.

Coming soon to The Hollyoaks Herald is a review of Hollyoaks 2008 to get you up to scratch on your favourite girls and guys of the Hollyoaks gang.

And if you want to know more about The Hollyoaks Herald, click here, to find out what it is all about.

If you are still longing for and dying for The Hollyoaks Herald podcast, stay glued to those computer screens, the technologically-minded folk from the HH are putting the final touches to it…

Keep it The Hollyoaks Herald.

In an episode where the major Hollyoaks storylines of the first quarter of this year are outlined, we are thankful that it makes up for Monday’s (19.01.09) nicey-nice episode…

Nasty Nige is BACK… Calvin did not kill him when he used self-defence on him after drug-dealing Nige stabbed him in his arm.

Warren had convinced us all that he had been killed. (Although, this does open a can of worms… where did Warren hide the body? Why did Calvin not want proof of Nige’s death? Why did Calvin not tell the police and plead self-defence?)

But Nige makes a surprise appearance at The Loft. Whilst Calvin is looking after Warren’s kid bro (Spencer), Warren warns Nige to back off, revealing that he had told Nige to stay away and that if he does come back he will ensure that Nige does end up dead.

Got to love the Hollyoaks-threats.

Meanwhile, tagged-up Darren has been given some responsibility by step-sis Steph to look after Mob’s (juice bar) and count the cash.

In a brief period of desperation Darren nips up to Warren’s flat to ask for money (£5000 to be exact) to get him back on his feet. Little naive Warren tries to blackmail Warren into giving him some cash, threatening to tell everyone about their deal earlier in the year and the death of Sean (see the review of Hollyoaks 2008 for more details).

But we know Warren’s capabilities. And so should Darren. 

Darren leaves with his tail between his legs and upon locking and cashing up from Mob’s, he gets mugged – beaten up and the money stolen. 

We have a little taste of the mugger – jeans, timberland boots… who wears those in Hollyoaks…?

Steph wants to go to the police, but Darren doesn’t want the hassle – let’s take a moment here.

Darren doesn’t want the hassle? He has just been beaten up, and the day’s takings have been stolen, but yet he won’t got to the police…

… and run the risk of Steph thinking he took the money

Which is exactly what she does think. Darren is kicked out. It is hard to feel sorry for him

Where will Darren go? Will Nige return? Will Calvin come back? Is the Warren/Sean/Darren/Jake storyline going to re-emerge in 2009? And did Malachy mug Darren?

So many questions. And we have a whole year for the Hollyoaks team to string out the answers.

Well into the New Year and the emergence of new story lines in our beloved Hollyoaks are well under way. But yet again, no hints of big story lines to come have been suggested.

Warren is struggling with his patience as he continues to try to look after his foster brother Spencer. Mercedes and Malachy (otherwise known to us as ‘Double M’) find themselves without a home and … the gambling Darren is out of prison and into the arms of gold-digger Cindy.

Darren is out of prison with only the clothes on his back (ironically, a suit?) and a plastic bag of everything near and dear to him. He has no choice but to hit the flat where the Cunningham and Dean left-overs and all their hanger-ons are managing to co-habit.

Steph has ordered a bed for Darren but it hasn’t arrived so he will have to make do with a mattress on Newt’s bedroom floor.

How many rooms does this flat have? It seems that it can accommodate as many or as few people as possible, growing or shrinking in size according to the people-menu, giving the impression of an M.C. Escher design.

In an attempt to make Darren feel as comfortable as possible, Cindy gets him out of his fairly respectable suit and ‘re-chavs‘ him.

Silver shoe boots, gold chains, fur collared jacket, sunglasses (indoors??) – this is your lesson is chav-dressing. The Hollyoaks writers have managed to teach their viewers how to chav-it-up in merely a few shots. Smashing television.

This image is only slightly ruined by the fitting of Darren’s electronic tag. The HH isn’t overly concerned – Cindy will be able to disguise it with some Chav-bling in no time. 

 Double M have been given their final (and perhaps only?) warning by the HCC Halls staff (as a result of an anonymous e-mail from… Kris?) to move out of Kris and Elliot’s flat.

This is actually the ONLY flat that HCC has for its students. In years, any new student moves into this student flat which is like Steph’s flat in many ways – the numerous bedrooms and the amount of people (it’s Escher design) being the main similarity.

What can we say? Hollyoaks fans like familiarity.

In the first scene in which we see Double M cuddled up on a sofa, receiving scowls from Elliot, but WAIT!!

The first half of Double M (Mercedes) seems to have intriguingly shiny legs. Is she wearing… tights? Underneath her short and skimpy pyjamas? 

Has Hollyoaks sunk to a new low? Trying to cheat our well-trained Hollyoaks eyes that their gorgeous, lean, and tanned cast actually wear TIGHTS in order to look totally fabulous.

We shake our Hollyoaks-filled heads in disappointment.

Resident baddie/goodie (still undecided, one good deed is followed by a bad, and so the cycle continues) Warren struggles to look after and keep his cool with foster bro Spencer.

Throwing money at the issue is the Warren-way to deal with any situation. We are used to is. Spencer, not so much. 

Calvin tries to diffuse the situation and offer his latest best bud (Warren) any help he needs.

But all Warren needs to do is be a big brother to Spencer. perhaps Warren has been burned by the effect his big brother role had on lil sis, Katy.

Warren and Spencer have a big heart to heart – only after Spencer cut himself, trying to slice some bread.

The Hollyoaks Herald hopes that this episode does not set the standard for the year to come, otherwise 6.30-7.00pm weekdays will become nap-time for many Hollyoaks fans.

With Louise out of the opening credits and life returning to Hollyoaks normality (a theses could be written on ‘Hollyoaks Normailty’) the penultimate day of 2008 isn’t fireworking for the ‘Oaks gang. (They like to keep that until the 31st… remember the explosion on the ‘Oaks bus , those were the good old days)

But the crew have managed to incorporate a spliff, a Harry Potter hoodie and matching tights, and poo into one episode. 

Like a bag of jelly beans, with Hollyoaks, you never know what you are going to get.

But this has got to be a Hollyoaks first.

Reformed druggie, Sasha Valentine is distraught at the suggestion made by her lying PC bro that he and his slightly eccentric PCSO wife should leave Hollyoaks. 

She confides in her dear friend, teenage-mum Amy (they all seem to have some sort of history to accompany their names) over a portion of chips from Relish.

In the background we can see new-boy, racist Gaz enjoying a form of cigarette. Approaching the two trouble-ridden girls, Gaz asks for a chip (the Noughties version of flirting… it was all dfferent back in the day when secret smiles were shared in the school playground between 

Bringing his dubious cigarette with him, Sasha gets a whiff of its infamous smell. As he leaves, Amy comments:

‘how thick is that, smoking a spliff out here’

Ah, that is what it is. Well Amy, is it as thick as copping off with some boy in a bush on your fourteenth birthday and giving birth to your daughter on your kitchen floor 9 months later?

But we all make mistakes.

Reassuring Sasha that she can always be Amy’s babysitter if she needs some support (you can almost understand Sasha’s cravings… anyone would be forgiven for turning to the hard stuff after that offer) Amy leaves Sasha to the sweet smells of Gaz.

Rookie mistake. Has Amy totally forgotten Sasha’s history?

A close up on Gaz‘s lips – certainly an attempt to demonstrate how desperate Sasha is. It surely can’t be for the fun of it – perhaps a bit of handy filmography, but really, please, it is 6.30, watershed is still more than 2 hours away, do we need to see something so totally unpleasant? We really do get the picture.

But the now-solid and recently reformed Sasha doesn’t give in.

The youngest of the Hollyoaks High posse – Newt, Lauren and Anita – are intertwined in a love triangle of texting magnitude.

Lauren, desperate to see her true-emo love, Newt, ropes Anita into getting him out from under Frankie’s eager-beaver eyes so she can have (maybe-perhaps-will-it-won’t-it) her wicked way with him.

But Anita has other ideas and indulges in some almost-snuggling with Newt, listening to the latest Emo-beats, whilst Lauren sits in wait by the ‘Oaks fountain.

Does Anita fancy Newt? Is she bored of being used by Lauren?

Either way, if Lauren is going to insist on wearing a black and red striped jumper with a magician’s hoodie and matching tights that look like they have come straight out of the latest Harry Potter film, then The Hollyoaks Herald has very little sympathy.

After trying to tempt Sasha with drugs, Gaz the Git (copyright The HH) continues to rave chavvy havoc and throws racial abuse at Relish. 

Zak has had enough and spikes his curry sauce with laxatives. After enjoying his chips and sauce Gaz has to dash behind a bush to relieve himself.

However, unfortunately this is not the last we will see of Gaz the Git and his fouling. Smearing racist comments across the front of Relish, Gaz is inciting anger across the country and a war will be waged in Hollyoaks. 

This should be taken seriously but who, in Hollyoaks, in between cheating on their partner, having children on their kitchen floors, having their sister’s baby and blowing up pubs, churches or buses really has the energy to use their own faeces to deface property? 

And as a final blow to the spliff-smoking, poo-smearing, magical clothing donned episode, Calvin breaks the news to Sasha that he killed drug-dealer Nige.

Blimey. What an assorted half an hour.

This Christmas looks like it is going to be cracking one for Hollyoaks…  stay with the Herald for all the news…

Cats are just falling out of bags in the land of Hollyoaks tonight. But then again, our dear boys and girls of the ‘Oaks variety have never been  A-grade students in the ‘keeping secrets’ module.

Louise, to giver her credit, has been the best of a very open bunch when it comes to keeping things close to her chest. But she was always going to burst at some point.

And what time could be finer?

On finding out that her fiancee is engaging in somewhat ‘naughty’ activity with her wedding planner – (it’s all very Jennifer lopez meets Matthew McConaughey meets Kate Hudson… although not sure that in a similar film the leading man would not have killed his fiancee’s husband and blamed it on the man with a mental illness) – Louise reveals to Mandy, Warren’s dark secret.

However, not only does she tell Mandy that Warren murdered Sean (Louise’s husband) but she also confides in Mandy that Warren has convinced Jake Dean to make confess to the murder and that she, Louise, had nothing to do with it.

Well. That isn’t exactly the truth, is it Louise? It’s a completely different story when you’re on the other side of the bars.

If we recall, and we do so with accuracy, Louise had been accused of Sean’s murder. And after a short staunt in jail and a rather nasty jailbird fight, she wanted Warren to do anything to get the charges dropped.

Anything.

Louise – playing little miss innocent may brush with Mandy but you’ll have to work harder to convince us, love.

In a desperate attempt to clear up the mess he has made (and none the wiser to Mandy and Louise’s secret discussions) Warren pays Mandy a visit and offers her £5000 to leave town.

Let’s take a brief moment here to pay attention to the pain Warren feels when Louise kisses his cut lip yet he has the strength to stop Mandy from slamming the door in his face three times (and Mandy is a fighter – strong as bull, she has been known to beat men up in the past).

Inconsistent injuries? Oh we were watching. Hollyoaks writers – you could have done better.

Back to the crunch – some women are strong and can’t be bought off with the flash of cash (let’s be thankful it isn’t Cindy – she’d run a mile with the cash and probably leave daughter Holly behind).

Mandy decides to build some bridges and tells Louise that she will not be driven out of town. No siree. And that she will help Louise (in her quest to bring Warren down?!) …

“you can count on me”

Meanwhile in the ‘all tricks of the trade’ Roy family, Anita unveils her sister, Leila’s academic secret to their mother, Bel.

Leila had pretended to her parents that she was studying Law at Hollyoaks Community College (HCC) when in actual fact she is studying art.

In a sibling row over clothes, Leila’s younger sister Anita reveals Leila’s secret.

This may not seem like breaking gossip right now but watch this space for buckets of entertainment opportunities in the Roy household.

With Leila living now living with her parents, how will the revealed art course and her relationship with Justin go down?

And who will fill the now vacant room in the only student flat on the HCC campus?

Good grief! Are the men of Hollyoaks trying to compete with the recent nastiness of villian Niall? Are they jealous that he was the talk of the village? Do they, too, want to live outside of the law?

It is total chaos in Hollyoaks this week, compared to last week’s light hearted bursts of singing at The Jolly Roger.

First of all Tones gets charged with sexual activity with a child.

And now Calvin is beating up club owners with baseball bats.

The Hollyoaks Herald has previously discussed the role men play in Hollyoaks in ‘Oaks Reduces Men to Boys. But that was urging the men to get a backbone.

It seems they have taken our advice and have now got a backbone. But a nasty one.

At least we’re getting somewhere.

Corrupt DI Mark Gascoigne has just casually walked into Hollyoaks, and is attempting to wreck relationships left, right and centre, lock up our restauranteurs and crackdown on our resident hardman in a brutal and violent way.

An unofficial raid is carried out at The Loft, involving the DI, our once-lovely Calvin and a few baseball bats.

Shocked to their inner cores, viewers all over the country watched Calvin Valentine ‘forced’ to take a baseball bat to The Loft owner, Warren Fox.

Where was Calvin’s moralistic backbone in all of this? He used to be such a good guy. Solid and stable.

This erratic, uncharacteristic behaviour can be linked back to Calvin’s failed relationship with Louise and the demise of his heroin-addicted younger sister, Sasha.

Calvin has been led astray… Buying methodone for his younger sister, assaulting a drug dealer, lying to his wife, warning criminals about official raids, beating up club owners…

This is a classic Hollyoaks example of how a good decent person can be turned to the Hollyoaks dark side.

When will Hollyoaks introduce a real man? One who is loyal and kind and caring. One who doesn’t cheat. One who isn’t violent. One who doesn’t have a gambling problem, or any other addiction for that matter. One who isn’t paranoid and neurotic. One who doesn’t hold life-long grudges. One who doesn’t want to seek revenge. A man who doen’t feel the need to cause chaos and ruin the lives of the Hollyoaks gang.

Does that man exist in Hollyoaks? Answers on a postcard, please.

In the words of Eminem (sort of) – Will the real men of Hollyoaks please stand up!!

Sex and Relationships

Channel 4 website: sex and relationships

Racial Abuse and Bullying

Channel 4 website: racial abuse

Hollyoaks has got the Christmas-feel… Christmas trees are for sale outside Drive ‘N’ Buy, (cheapskate Justin is chopping down his own. Standard.) Christmas decorations are up in Il Gnosh.

But not all is Merry in the land of Hollyoaks Hope and Joy.

Our hearts are breaking as we witness Tony’s paranoia and despair at the allegations made by Jacqui and Theresa of under-age sexual activity.

DI Mark (the relationship-wrecking copper we are all loving to hate) and Calvin Valentine arrest Tony on suspicion of engaging with sexual activity with a child.

They later go on to charge him and Tones is released on bail.

Our loyal Tony-shaped heart (hair strings? it still hasn’t changed – although we fear he is losing it …) strings are pulled further when we watch how kindly he looks after little Holly after her busybody, gossiping mother Cindy forgets to collect her from school.

Cindy flies into Il Gnosh in a rage, calling Tony a pervert and telling him to stay away from Holly.

Tony breaks down and tells a concerned Mandy to

“just leave me”

Whilst this storyline is moving, highly engaging and the Hollyoaks audience is encouraged to feel sympathy and sadness for Tony, the principles behind it are very real and important.

The issues it raises – engaging in sexual activity with a person below the ‘age of sexual consent’, the stigma attached to those accused and charged with sexual activity with a minor, and the ambiguity of age when two people meet – are all highly significant for young people in today’s society.

Engaging in sexual activity with someone below the ‘age of sexual consent’ – under the age of 16 years (for clarification, see the law or click on the following link, for information regarding England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland – Do not take The Hollyoaks Herald as gospel)- is a serious offence in the UK. For more information click here.

The Hollyoaks audience was made to believe that Tony and Theresa did have a sexual relationship, however brief and that Tony did not realise that Theresa was 15 years old.

Theresa then persecuted Tony by calling, texting and visiting him at his workplace. When Tony did not respond to her advances, Theresa told her cousin Jacqui, and the two of them reported the incident to the police.

Finding out the age of someone before you engage in any kind of sexual activity with them can be difficult.

But it is important.

Make-up and clothes have the ability to both add years to a person and take years off a person.

If you are not sure – ask.

And if you are still not sure – don’t risk it.