Some things are set Straight

Friday 28th November

Opening with the most unusual music video of Neville Ashworth singing ‘Go West’ with Elliot as one of his backing singers, this Friday episode of Hollyoaks sets itself up to be a blinder.

Attempting to convey to its audience what Thursday’s episode was about and the continuing storyline into Friday’s episode (Hollyoaks follwing on a storyline without a four month break?… Are you serious?) Hollyoaks manages to set the tone for how ridiculous it is to have to decide the sexuality of a watering hole and also, the difficulty posed to landlords over suiting the needs of all their punters.

Also, Hollyoaks manages to provide some light relief in the programme, contrasting with the seriousness of the T&T issue (Tony and Theresa).

The T and T story is progressing at an alarming and heartbreaking rate.

The HH is heartbroken at the image of a distraught and paranoid Batman (Tones).

No longer saving women from derelict churches, Robin (Dom) deserting him for two wasters (Ste and Justin), Batman is a broken man.

Shut your eyes and feel it

Thursday 27th November

In a true Hollyoaks example of how to come out of the closet, Neville (new owner of The Dog, now named The Jolly Roger) and co. embrace their new-found sexuality and pledge The Jolly Roger to be ‘officially a gay pub’.

Encouraging Neville to ‘shut your eyes and feel it’, Elliot and neville swing their lifeless arms around to the musical sounds of Kylie Minogue.

Caught by Cindy (is she living in the pub? she seems to appear from eery nook and cranny), Suzanne and Hannah, Neville declares that he has been too closed and is opening his eyes to new experiences.

The HH is enjoying the bizarre concept of Hollyoaks comparing one’s sexual preferences to whether they decide to eat meat or veg. Neville demonstrates this perfectly, when attempting to understand bisexuality states:

“it’s like being a veggie and occassionally having meat”

Brilliant. Why not relate how one choses their partners to what food they decide to buy at the supermarket?

It certainly simplifies it.

New Storylines Emerge…

Tuesday 25th November

After last night’s first Hollyoaks Later episode, HH began to grow concerned that the standard of this week’s 6.30pm episodes would slide down an oily slope of grasping at stories.

But we needn’t have bothered worrying our Hollyoaks heads. In a half hour installment that covers the always tricky subjects of under-age sex and racism, Hollyoaks aficionados will be pleased that Hollyoaks is still providing some meaty stories for its devoted 6.30pm audience.

Tony and Theresa wake up together in the Hutchinson Manor, and Tony, ever-the-gentleman, calls a taxi for Theresa.

Should have done that last night, shouldn’t you Batman?

Jacqui and baby Max approach Il Gnosh, eager to find out why reliable Tones stood them up last night.

Tony cruelly informs Jacqui that he has moved on, that he isn’t interested, that it is OVER.

Well, the HH has to admire Tony for finally having some guts to stand up to someone. We just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.

Jacqui later finds out that Tony has decided to sell Tan and Tumble to new guy, Ash Roy. Another confrontation for Jacqui, this time in the salon with Ash leaves Jacqui distraught.

The cold hard wall has been broken. We are seeing the softer side of Jacqs… and we only wish Tony see it too.

Theresa pesters Tony with texts and phone calls and watching him at work, camouflaged in the Jubilee Gardens. She seems to have developed an unhealthy obsession with our resident chef. One that could lead Mr H into dangerous waters...

Turning up at his Manor, Theresa reveals to Tony that she is 15 years old.

Well, that is a shock-horror, mouth-hanging-open, heart-stopping surprise.

Well for Batman at least. We were all prepared for this.

Poor Tony, of any man in any soap, he seems to have the worst luck with the female half of the species.

It’d be lovely if he could settle down, in a converted barn, outside Chester, perhaps with an aga and a couple of retrievers. A good wife and a few kids – with Tony’s haircut, of course.

But that would not be nearly as entertaining or as amusing for us.

Lauren Valentine and Anita Roy and roped into working for Anita’s older brother, Ash Roy’s at his burger van, Relish. Work experience boy, Gaz, turns up late to work with the girls.

However, it isn’t all jokes and laughs over flipping burgers and toasting buns. Gaz proceeds to make racist comments towards Anita.

Lauren and Anita are horrified. Ash appears and fires Gaz.

Ash is an amazing superman-esque character. Hands in pockets, buffer than Warren, Ash will take no prisoners.

But this will not be the last we see of Gaz. Hollyoaks is opening up a new story line, providing us just a snippet of months to come.

If you are a victim of racism or want to know more about the law surrounding under-age sex, click on these links:

Sex and Relationships

Racism

Batman leaves his Batmobile at home

Monday 24th November

It is difficult to know where to start with this episode.

In the typical ‘Oaks version of the calm before the storm (Hollyoaks Later is only 3 and 1/2 hours away from lift-off) do we first mention that our in-house Batman (Tony H) has gone off the rails or do we mention that our disappearing bad-boy Niall IS BACK?!

Batman has gone off the rails.

Leaving his batmobile (his moralistic conscience) our Batman (Tony Hutchinson) leaves a desperate and hopeful Jacqui cooking for him at the McQueens and parties-it-up Tony-stylee with Russ and Cindy at a school disco night at The Loft, with Russ.

Alas. Dear old, reliable Tony had a few options he could have taken here. If only the HH advisor was sitting on his shoulder. We’d have been happy to help and provide these alternatives:

a) go to the McQueens, chat and eat with Jacqui, make up and be merry.

b) go home to Hutchinson Manor and settle down to Newsnight with a bottle of Merlot

c) go home BY YOURSELF after getting totally trolleyed at The Loft

But Tony is on a mission. To forget the past year and the McQueen mess in which he had been involved.

And that mission involved a young girl by the name of Theresa.

To the trained Hollyoaks eye, trouble is sticking out like giraffe in a field of cows.

This young girl looks very young indeed.

But the view from Batman’s beer goggles is a little more hazy. Off to Hutchinson Manor they both go.

It’s a shame that after 13 years of living in Hollyoaks, Tony has not learnt that when you take someone back to your humble abode, the repercussions are enormous.

But we can’t wait for them!

Steph and Tom are back from their trip away (the ‘Oaks characters seem to have these ‘trips away’ but no-one really ever knows where they jet off to. Nancy is on her very own one right now…) and Cindy and Mandy (previously part of the Barbie-posse) aren’t too thrilled.

Neither is McQueen gang-leader, Myra. In a confrontational one-on-one toned down (it IS 6.30 after all) ‘conversation’ between Steph and the (Mc)Queen-bee, some very good points are made. (Someone has been watching their Kyle)

(M) ‘If you hadn’t left him, this wouldn’t have happened’

(S) ‘My conscience is clear’

(M) ‘The girlfriend always knows’

(S) ‘So does the mother’

Cutting, yet Steph cuts straight to the chase. The ‘Oaks has the amazing ability of teaching lessons that really hit home, whilst being incredibly entertaining.

Educational, yet fun.

And mentioning the ‘F’ word, the Nevilles have a whole load of fun in store for them on the opening night of The Jolly Roger.

Advertised in The Chester Herald, The Jolly Roger’s opening night is exposed as a gay pub. Neville and Suzanne are thrilled with the turnout. Rhys is not as pleased – he had hoped that the opening night would be a taster for a women-filled future. In his dreams. Hannah is the only one on the end of the flirting stick this evening.

Will The Jolly Roger end up being the first gay pub in the vill-age?

And as this episode of drunken fun and female confrontations draws to a close, we have our first glimpse of what is to come in Hollyoaks Later…

Nasty Niall is back and hooded…

‘Oaks back on form?

Thursday 20th November

After this weeks dreary Hollyoaks you’d be excused for pondering why Hollyoaks is none of the nation’s favourite soaps.

Tonight’s episode is why.

What village can incorporate GBH, a beauty pageant, a break-up, a make-up, a business offer and ridiculously irritating student antics in day? Or in our case, in half and hour.

This is the sort of ‘Oaks we like to see. Some real drama and misery, some occasional joy and happiness, and the Soap favourite, cringe-worthy, break-up-make-up scene.

First of all, what the HELL just happened? Warren is back to his old smacking-people-(Mark this time)-over-the-head-with-sticks-in-parks ways?

You’d think he would have learnt from his mistakes. Although, contemplating this, what ‘Oaks character ever sits down and takes a moment to reflect on their actions?

No siree, they just battle on into the next disaster.

Carmel and Calvin make up. Only after Louise convinces Calvin to make it up with her.

Poor Carmel wants to be forgiven. Viewers all over the country at this exact moment in time are leaping out of their tailored armchairs in unison, in rage and disgust at this!

One more time, let’s say (shout) it all together now CARMEL – YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Batman (Tony) is back on the screen. His sidekick Robin (Dom) has entered into a three-musketeer-type relationship and left him. His love Jacqui has left him and is now demanding that he gives her the laundrette, Tan and Tumble (previously Washed Up).

It does seem mighty odd that when a man cheats on you, the first thing you go for is his laundrette. We can understand the principle behind it – cash in on one of his businesses.

But that isn’t the normal ‘Oaks style. We want Jacqui outside Il Gnosh, picketing, shouting and causing the racket that she is so good at.

Hollyoaks fans want drama and action, and a little bit of ridicule.

In other news: Leila dumps Gilly, Justin reveals his feelings to Leila and Hannah bears all in the ‘Oaks SU beauty pageant, new boy Archie rubs Gilly and Zak up the wrong way in his attempts to fit in.

Calvin: me me me

Tuesday 18th November 2008

Hollyoaks has the irritating characteristic of building up stories through adverts then letting them go wild like a pack of lions, on our television screens. Meanwhile, during the build-up prior to the release, the ‘Oaks has a tendency to stalk around issues, never quite getting to the ‘Oaks-point.

Whilst undoubtedly this is necessary in order portray some sense of normality (yeah right, who are they kidding?) in the village, it does mean that we have to sit through the everyday formulaic relationships between Russ and Nancy, Ste and Justin,

But it is clever. The erratic nature of storylines emerging from absolutely nowhere ensures that Hollyoaks is always scheduled in our daily lives.

Perhaps there is a glimmer of hope shining through… every cloud…

Calvin tells Warren that he is going to confess to Carmel that he killed his little sister’s (Sasha) drug dealer, Nige.

Oh what a tangled web he weaves.

Warren, who always tries to the decent and honourable thing, talks him out of it, convincing him that Calvin that he has a good job, a good family, a lovely wife, and a good life. And that confessing to Carmel could throw all that down the drain.

Well. Strictly speaking, that perfect picture of Calvin Valentine happiness is a little shaky around the edges. And that has nothing to do with the self-defence he displayed towards Nige.

Job-wise: Calvin is hardly ever actually at work and his colleague is attempting to cop (geddit?) off with his wife.

Good Family: Calvin’s sister was as drug addict, Calvin’s brother has disappeared, Calvin’s father is a recovering gambler, Calvin’s step-mother ran away, Calvin’s half-sister is a troublemaking, desperate-for-sex Goth and Calvin’s half-brother has joined his brother in the Holloaks version of Room 101.

Hardly the Swiss Family Robinson.

Good Wife: Well yes that is definitely true. But in the last episode Calvin threw that into the bin like a discarded sweet-wrapper.

Good Life: See above.

So tell away Calvin, things can’t get very much worse.

Oh but they may do… Calvin spots sleezy womaniser Mark trying to kiss sweet Carmel. Running away in anger, Calvin fails to see Carmel pushing Mark away in disgust.

If only these ‘Oaks men would just stop and pause for a minute, we wouldn’t be confronted with these situations.

And for those keen Hollyoaks Fashionistas, if you are dying to know where Hannah’s amazing gladiator-style high-heeled sandals are from (she steps out of the taxi – body shot from the feet up) New Look. They are also featured in Look magazine. Go get ‘em girls.

Frustration Station

Monday 17th November 2008

In an episode which has reached the frustration levels similar to that of not being able to reach an itch on one’s back, Hollyoaks has managed to serve up

‘All-about-me’ Calvin accuses sweet innocent Carmel of cheating.

Michaela turns to alcohol to ease her troubles whilst her dead sister’s husband (Dom) is befriended by an accessory-to-murder (Justin) and an abusive partner (Ste).

And gothic Lauren turns on the teenage charm that would have any parent with a child verging on ‘young adulthood’ breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of their child turning into the increasingly gobby Lauren Valentine.

Calvin, finding a packet of condoms in his wife’s bag (they belong to his younger sister), jumps to the typical ‘Oaks conclusion that she is cheating on him.

If Calvin was married to Mercedes or Mandy he could be forgiven for this outrageous and slightly unfounded comment.

But he is married to the innocent Carmel McQueen. The one woman in the ‘Oaks who has the ability to support her family through a great deal of thick and thin; who constantly attempts to ‘do the right thing’; and one of the only women in the ‘Oaks who would never dream of cheating on her man.

Turning down the advances of newcomer Mark (he just swans into the ‘Oaks, sleeping with our women willy-nilly! Damaging relationships. Just who does he think he is?) Carmel demonstrates her dedication to her marriage with Calvin, only to be received with the comforting words ‘it feels like I don’t even know you’.

Risking cracking the television screen with off-the-radar noise levels, shouting at the set only makes the viewing of the scene that little bit less frustrating.

Tanned Barnesy (overdoing the sun-bed of late) finds a drunk and desolate Michaela in the arms of unknown man.

Scaring him off with the threat of Barnes-style violence, Mike and Michaela find themselves locked in a DMC (deep and meaningful conversation) at the ‘Oaks bus stop (there for effect, buses are never seen in the ‘Oaks, only black cabs).

It is bewildering and almost unheard-of that they do not engage on a sneaky Hollyoaks smooch.

Newt and Lauren are still causing unnecessary teenage havoc.

In between finding, using and losing other peoples’ credit cards and attempting to lose their virginity, it is a wonder that they can keep up their high maintenance appearance.

Robin (Dom) has escaped from his place next to Batman (Tony) and has become a Musketeer… with Ste and Justin. Unlikely trio, but every superhero has to move on at some point…

If you want to stop at Frustration Station, get on the train to Hollyoaks.

A Surprise Birthday

Wednesday 12th November 2008

You would be forgiven if you thought the current Hollyoaks love quartet had stopped singing from the rooftops. That Mandy and Warren were over, that Cindy was in the clear and that Louise had Warren all to herself.

You would be forgiven if you thought the story line was done and dusted.

But you would be wrong. And you wouldn’t be a true ‘Oaks groupie.

It’s Mandy’s birthday and ‘best friend’ Louise wants to throw her a party. At Mandy’s ex husband’s flat.

Tony presents Mandy with her birthday gift… a dress. Didn’t he get a dress for Jacqui on her birthday?

Something fishy is going down here. Don’t be surprised if a bit more ‘Oaks bed-hopping and duvet-sharing is lined up in the not-so distant future.

So Warren, Louise, Mandy, Cindy and Tony chum together to party ‘Oaks-style.

Where on earth is Jezza Kyle in all this? Surely he should be conducting the celebrations? Ushering these individuals into their socially acceptable positions?

Cindy reveals to Warren and Mandy that she knows… and in a shocking revelation of woman-ship and loyalty, Cindy informs Warren that she hasn’t blurted it all over the place because she wouldn’t do that to Mandy who has been hurt so many times before.

And if Warren ever goes near Mandy again Cindy will… tell Louise? And that’s a promise.

You go girlfriend – you shake that attitude finger at Warren.

Not that he will listen of course.

Mandy calls an end to her farce of a party. Leaving Tony and Mandy to fall onto the couch in a deflated heap.

Convenient. And would you have guessed it? Tony and Mandy share a kiss.

Mid-Kiss, apologetic and moralistic Tony does manage a ‘sorry’. In an attempt to protect his actions, so he can plead his innocence. So he can convince himself he did try to stop it.

Did Batman declare only two days ago that he was sick of all the lies and secrets? That wore off pretty soon.

We must not forget the other storyline Hollyoaks is throwing at us. Newt and Lauren are on a mission to disrupt the new policies of the school’s new Headmaster and a quest to spend more time together.

They have been befriended by the daughter of the Headmaster. They have taken children’s knives in to school. They have decided that they are going to have sex.

Fascinating, gripping watching.

Hiding behind the ‘riveting‘ storyline is a really topical issue: knife crime and security in schools.

You can always trust Hollyoaks to get to the core of a desperately important social issue. However, the storyline behind it could be more believable and entertaining.

Future predictions: Mandy pregnant as a result? Tony isn’t firing blanks – he has impregnated four Hollyoaks ladies so far… although previously one of those was Mandy. Will there be confusion over whether it is Tonys or Warrens? All speculation of course… but the HH has never been wrong before…

Ken and his Barbies

Tuesday 11th November 2008

It was all about Warren, Louise, Mandy and Cindy tonight. Warren playing our very own Hollyoaks Ken, it seems the three ladies in question are all vying for the top position of Queen Barbie.

How can three intelligent and successful (I’m sure Cindy’s time will come) women be fighting over who is and who is not sleeping with the murdering drug-dealing cheat that is Warren Fox?

Fox, ignoring previous cat fights between Louise and Cindy, only breaks the two apart when Cindy takes her flashing white dentures to Louise’s Topshop-clad arm.

How are we watching school ground behaviour on a programme that is topping the Soap charts? Women degenerating into animals over a man.

And whilst it can be argued that it is over principle – Cindy is the innocent party (accused of having an affair with Warren and stalking Louise) – cowering behind that principle is a man.

So much for girl power.

How does this love-quartet actually function?

Louise is an alcoholic engaged to a the man who murdered her first husband (Sean). Mandy is the woman that man is having an affair with. Cindy has been mistakenly accused of having an affair with the man and is now on a mission to clear her name.

Warren Fox is the man.

To make matters even more complicated (‘Oaks does like to mix it up) Louise has asked Mandy to be her Maid-of-Honour at her wedding. Apparently Mandy is Louise’s best friend.

Whoa! Come on Louise. You can’t go around brandishing the phrase ‘best friend’ willy nilly.

Hollyoaks best friends carries a great deal of weight for us ‘Oaks enthusiasts.

Max and OB ring any bells?

John Paul and Craig? Hannah and Sarah? Toby and Dan? Carol and Lucy? Finn and Lewis?

So much history between ‘best friends’ on the ‘Oaks. Louise – you have nothing with Mandy… apart from the lust of one man.

And let’s not forget poor Carmel in all of this. Carmel who stuck by Louise when she was falsely accused of murdering her hubby Sean. Carmel who has provided friendship and advice. Carmel who has diligently and patiently painted nails and provided massages in Louise’s Evissa.

Carmel has not even been graced with the position of flower girl.

So Mandy expresses her dismay at Louise’s proposal to Warren. Ken cuts off his ties with Barbie no 1. It’s over.

Cindy (Barbie no 2) hears this conversation. She’s got the lowdown and is in the clear.

What about Barbie no 3?

Louise – Wake up and smell the coffee love.

Batman and Robin in High Definition

Monday 10th November

It has not come soon enough. With the hysteria of Niall’s kidnappings and evaluating the resulting lack of true Hollyoaks drama, The Hollyoaks Herald has failed to acknowledge the transition of the ‘Oaks from old-fashioned telly to HIGH DEFINITION.

Well, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise – if crazed football fanatics can watch a clearer picture of 11 sweaty men kick a round piece of leather around for 90 minutes then why shouldn’t a dedicated and level-headed Hollyoaks groupie have the opportunity to view their team in the same way?

And quite frankly, it doesn’t matter whether the member of the extended ‘Oaks family has the capacity to watch Hollyoaks in HD or not.

It is the principle.

It is recognised that we, as a cult following, as a majority group, need to view Tony’s haircut, Mercedes’ short skirt and Neville’s new business venture in as clear a picture as possible…

‘Oaks life moves on – in higher definition.

Loyal Tony can’t take the lies and secrets anymore.

Well Sir Tones (if there was an ‘Oaks Queen, she’d definitely award Tony H an OBE for his Excellent Contribution to ‘Oaks Plots and Village Gossip) perhaps you should have thought of that when you impregnated your girlfriend’s (kind-of-ex-break-situation-at-the-time) sister.

And it looks like your little brother may be about to follow in the family footsteps.

Didn’t Dom learn not to share lovers with his brother? Look at the mess created when Dom started sleeping around with Mandy (she loves a good affair, that one).

Dom invites Mercedes to stay at Batman and Robin’s pad. Classic move.

Dom and Mercedes – getting jiggy over a bowl of Carbonara. Not the usual ‘Oaks rendez-vous, but Dom isn’t a typical ‘Oaks man.