Tuesday 30th December 2008
With Louise out of the opening credits and life returning to Hollyoaks normality (a theses could be written on ‘Hollyoaks Normailty’) the penultimate day of 2008 isn’t fireworking for the ‘Oaks gang. (They like to keep that until the 31st… remember the explosion on the ‘Oaks bus , those were the good old days)
But the crew have managed to incorporate a spliff, a Harry Potter hoodie and matching tights, and poo into one episode.
Like a bag of jelly beans, with Hollyoaks, you never know what you are going to get.
But this has got to be a Hollyoaks first.
Reformed druggie, Sasha Valentine is distraught at the suggestion made by her lying PC bro that he and his slightly eccentric PCSO wife should leave Hollyoaks.
She confides in her dear friend, teenage-mum Amy (they all seem to have some sort of history to accompany their names) over a portion of chips from Relish.
In the background we can see new-boy, racist Gaz enjoying a form of cigarette. Approaching the two trouble-ridden girls, Gaz asks for a chip (the Noughties version of flirting… it was all dfferent back in the day when secret smiles were shared in the school playground between
Bringing his dubious cigarette with him, Sasha gets a whiff of its infamous smell. As he leaves, Amy comments:
‘how thick is that, smoking a spliff out here’
Ah, that is what it is. Well Amy, is it as thick as copping off with some boy in a bush on your fourteenth birthday and giving birth to your daughter on your kitchen floor 9 months later?
But we all make mistakes.
Reassuring Sasha that she can always be Amy’s babysitter if she needs some support (you can almost understand Sasha’s cravings… anyone would be forgiven for turning to the hard stuff after that offer) Amy leaves Sasha to the sweet smells of Gaz.
Rookie mistake. Has Amy totally forgotten Sasha’s history?
A close up on Gaz‘s lips – certainly an attempt to demonstrate how desperate Sasha is. It surely can’t be for the fun of it – perhaps a bit of handy filmography, but really, please, it is 6.30, watershed is still more than 2 hours away, do we need to see something so totally unpleasant? We really do get the picture.
But the now-solid and recently reformed Sasha doesn’t give in.
The youngest of the Hollyoaks High posse – Newt, Lauren and Anita – are intertwined in a love triangle of texting magnitude.
Lauren, desperate to see her true-emo love, Newt, ropes Anita into getting him out from under Frankie’s eager-beaver eyes so she can have (maybe-perhaps-will-it-won’t-it) her wicked way with him.
But Anita has other ideas and indulges in some almost-snuggling with Newt, listening to the latest Emo-beats, whilst Lauren sits in wait by the ‘Oaks fountain.
Does Anita fancy Newt? Is she bored of being used by Lauren?
Either way, if Lauren is going to insist on wearing a black and red striped jumper with a magician’s hoodie and matching tights that look like they have come straight out of the latest Harry Potter film, then The Hollyoaks Herald has very little sympathy.
After trying to tempt Sasha with drugs, Gaz the Git (copyright The HH) continues to rave chavvy havoc and throws racial abuse at Relish.
Zak has had enough and spikes his curry sauce with laxatives. After enjoying his chips and sauce Gaz has to dash behind a bush to relieve himself.
However, unfortunately this is not the last we will see of Gaz the Git and his fouling. Smearing racist comments across the front of Relish, Gaz is inciting anger across the country and a war will be waged in Hollyoaks.
This should be taken seriously but who, in Hollyoaks, in between cheating on their partner, having children on their kitchen floors, having their sister’s baby and blowing up pubs, churches or buses really has the energy to use their own faeces to deface property?
And as a final blow to the spliff-smoking, poo-smearing, magical clothing donned episode, Calvin breaks the news to Sasha that he killed drug-dealer Nige.
Blimey. What an assorted half an hour.
